What I'm about to share with you isn't something that most women like to share with very many people (at least to my knowledge). But I'm under the conviction that I am not the author of my life story; God is and He deserves for the story of my life to be told. I don't hold back in what I say because I hope to convey to you the hope I have in my Savior. Hope that doesn't fail, ever. This post is long and has some minor gross details, but I do believe this post will be worth it through the end. May He be honored in my writing.
On January 28 I found out I was pregnant.We certainly did not set out to get pregnant in the midst of all the current craziness in our lives, but we were ecstatic the moment we saw a plus sign! I scheduled an appointment with my doctor for March 5 and ordered Lily a super cute "Big Sister" shirt. We told our families and very few friends. I've been waiting for the shirt to come in (that I ordered over TWO weeks ago) before I told the rest of the world.
On Tuesday, Feb 21 I had a little bleeding. I called the doctor and they said it was most likely nothing to worry about. We moved the weekend prior and I probably just overdid myself.
The bleeding continued and increased Wednesday and Thursday so I called and asked to come in for an ultrasound.
Do you mind if I back this thing up for a minute?
I distinctly remember a conversation in October that I had with one of my best friends, Katie. Brent and I were in the midst of deciding what to do since his career in insurance wasn't working. We knew the Lord was preparing us for something, but at that time we had no clue what it was. Moving to Birmingham wasn't even on the radar yet. As I was leaving a baby shower in October, I was talking to Katie who knew our situation very well. I remember making the comment during our conversation that I had a feeling that I would have a difficult time with my next pregnancy...whenever that may be...and that God had definitely laid adoption on our hearts.
Fast forward to January 28 when I find out I'm pregnant and I immediately have an intuition that something isn't going to be normal about this pregnancy. Maybe the abnormal part was simply that we are currently living with family and soon to be renting a basement apartment. Not the most ideal place to bring a newborn home to, but it's the people that make a house a home, not the actual building. I quickly disregarded that and thought the abnormal part would be something a bit more serious.
I believe always that God is preparing me for what's to come. Whatever I'm going through currently always has a purpose for the future.
My "motherly instincts" were really just God's way of guarding and preparing my (and Brent's) heart. Of course, we still got excited and did all the dreaming you do when you realize a newborn will be in your arms soon. And we were really excited about watching Lily become a big sister. Really really excited. We told her and she understood what was going on. She's very smart and I'm pretty sure she understood it better than the typical 2 year old. She was uber excited and liked to ask to see Mommy's baby, then she would insist that I show her my belly. She wanted a "little bruder".
Fast forward again to Thursday, Feb. 23, I went to the doctor. Alone. Not only was it my first time to ever visit this particular doctor's office, I knew exactly what I was going to see on the screen in that dark room. And I was going to see it alone. Brent already had plans to leave work early to drive to Huntsville and get our tenants moved in, so he couldn't leave any earlier. And it's a good thing he didn't; I was at the doctor for 3 hours. At that (3 hour long) moment, there was only one person that I needed anyway. His name is Jesus.
I was fine while filling out all the necessary paper work for a new patient. I got a little anxious when I sat with the nurse to go over my medical history and describe my current symptoms. I even managed to work myself into a fever and high blood pressure. I'm pretty sure I was physically there just to go through the motions, but I had forced my heart to be somewhere else.
It was in the ultrasound room that my heart decided to welcome itself back into reality. While the nurse was preparing everything, my heart was beating out of my chest and I'm sure if I was asked to speak I would not have been able to muster up any words. I knew as soon as I saw my black and white empty womb on the screen in front of me, I would absolutely uncontrollably lose it. I've never needed to feel the comforting presence of Jesus more than I did in that room. I needed Him to sit beside me and hold my hand. I begged Him to let me know He was there. Within seconds of that pleading prayer the ultrasound was on and I was filled with His peace. No tears. Just eyes confirming what my heart already knew. The nurse didn't say a word to me. She spent an eternity taking measurements and pictures. All we saw was an empty yolk sac. And as she was finishing up, I heard her words of confirmation, "I don't see a fetus."
After that gut wrenching realization, I sat in a cold sterile room and waited close to an hour for the doctor to discuss with me what was going on. He had been in surgery all morning and the nurses weren't sure when he would be back, so I hung out until he came in the room. I opened the ESV Bible app on my phone and read Psalm 139 probably 15 times.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them
Psalm 139: 16
He returned from surgery and pulled me into his office and very graciously and thoroughly explained everything to me.
I have a blighted ovum, or some call it an anembryonic pregnancy. Basically, an egg was fertilized and my body made preparations for a pregnancy...all the symptoms, increase in hormones, gestational sac, yolk sac etc. I was pregnant with a fertilized egg that never grew into an embryo. Apparently this type of miscarriage is common. My body still thinks I'm pregnant and will take up to 3 weeks to complete the miscarriage. Right now I'm caught in limbo; therefore, I will have a D & C this week.
My biggest fear/question for the doctor, was I ever really pregnant? Yes I was.
My doctor was wonderful, he kept asking me if I was okay. I guess since I wasn't crying he wasn't sure what was going through my head. I assured him that I am okay. I told him I'm a believer and I have a peace that can't come from this world. And he, also being a believer as well as every other doctor at this practice, encouraged me with words that our God is sovereign and His purposes are always good. He assured me that there was nothing I did or didn't do to cause this to happen. It was simply already written in God's plan. And if you have been with me for any length of time on this blog you know that I've been unable to give an explanation for the bigger things that happen to Brent and me. They are what they are because it's what God wants. We trust and we don't question His will.
Because we have hope in an Almighty Savior, we truly have peace about this. At the same time, we are incredibly heartbroken. Many in this abortion-addicted world would say it's absurd for us to mourn the loss of less than an embryo. I mourn for my baby like I've kissed his chubby cheeks, held his tiny body, and rocked him to sweet slumber. And so far, it's just getting harder.
You quickly get used to life as a pregnant woman. I think I get the most upset when I realize there are little things that I all of the sudden can do again. Go for that second cup of coffee in the morning, eat seafood, drink diet coke. No need for those maternity clothes we set aside last weekend when we moved. No more imagining my swollen whale sized body at the beach this summer. No need for the third bedroom to be a nursery. The bouncy seat and exersaucer can go back into storage.
But to think that I have a baby that can see Jesus face to face. A baby that is able to worship Him with a pure heart. A baby that never knew the filth of this sinful world. A baby that I will never hold, but is held by the same Father who held me in the ultrasound room. I'm jealous for that baby. But one day I will see his face and the face of our Maker. Knowing that Jesus is loving and caring for my sweet baby more perfectly than I ever could makes me trust and fall in love with my Jesus even more.
Lord willing we will have more children. I want 2 and Brent wants 5 so I'm sure we will find a way to meet somewhere in the middle :) . But our future children will never be able to replace the hole in our hearts for the one we lost. We are very thankful to have our sweet Lily. Without her, this would be even more unbearable. Her joyful laughter makes our broken little world whole again.
We have told Lily that her "little bruder" is with Jesus in Heaven now and no longer in Mommy's belly. Her response? A very sad "But I don't have Jesus." She's recognizes that her sibling is with a Person that she can't see. I know she is barely 2, but I refuse to undermine the power of the Holy Spirit's work in her heart. Maybe she is in an early stage of knowing she has a need for a Savior.
The moment that has blown me away the most is a verse I read Thursday night just before I went to bed. Remember me telling you how I read Psalm 139 several times on my phone while sitting in the doc's office? Well, when the doctor finally walked in I didn't exit the app, I just pushed the button that turns the screen off so that the verse would still be there when I turned the screen back on. Thursday night I was laying in bed checking Twitter and someone had tweeted Psalm 46:5. I really liked the verse and wanted to look it up on my phone. I opened my Bible app, expecting to see Psalm 139 and instead I see this:
As you do not know the way the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything. In the morning sow your seed, and at the evening withhold not your hand, for you do not know which will prosper.
Ecclesiastes 11: 5-6a
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. God is REAL. He wants more from you than to claim you are a religious person. That you attend a church occasionally, you pray when things get rough, you own a Bible, and you think positive thoughts. He wants your heart, your life, your everything. He wants to carry you through this life. And in return you get Him. The greatest reward. Life can really be unfair and painful. It will be that way with or without Jesus in your life. Wouldn't you rather be able to cast your pain and your burdens on Him so that He can give you His perfect peace that transcends all understanding? I can't say it enough, if you don't know Him deeply (and I didn't say know of Him) you are missing out on the greatest gift and your life is empty. You were made to be satisfied only in Him. Quit chasing things of this world and run hard after Him.
I heard the song below last Sunday night. Matt Maher was at church for a concert. I fell in love with this song immediately. It's adapted from the hymn "I Need Thee Every Hour". Perfect timing to hear such a song. Thanks for letting me share the depths of my heart with you.